Jump

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 11:11:36 PM jump my hearts about to jump out of my mouth daniel cant breathe banging on the bedroom door, you open it and i see fire and hate in your eyes my mom, on the bed, head dripping with blood. "stop!!! leave my mom alone. dont touch her!!! STOP!" couldnt find its way out of my mouth, hidding in the cornor of my jaw. i dont want you to hate me, i suck up to you. i fight my family... i am my fathers child. im...im just like you. you turn me away, why dont you love me? whats wrong with me? i cry myself to sleep, i cry when im alone, i cry without anyone knowing. ive developed much success in this. ive found comfort in a blade becoming bord i find comfort in fire. punishing myself because of who i am because you dont love me - im falling apart and there's nothing I want to do about it..

Back

I'm starting to get that feeling again.
Feels like blank.
That's exactly it, blank.

Day 3.

This is day 3 into 2017 and in already over it.
In over my job.
I've my anxiety.
Over my depression.
Over my family.
Over the friends I don't have. 
I'm just over it.
Has nothing to do with bad luck or the year or anything.
I'm just not feeling it today.
Feels like I'm stuck in a revolving door and I just keep going and going and going. 
But I never get anywhere.
There's just never an ending.
That's bad right?
Even though I'm laying in bed after a long day,
And I'm thinking about it Saturday when I have to go back to work. 
How pathetic is that?
How crazy?
Here is am knowing tomorrow isn't promised and yet I still worry about it.
While I'm at work working in worrying about working on Saturday.
What the heck.
When did I get like this.
Or have I always been like this and just thought it was normal and was how is supposed to be. 
I want to be fixed.
I want to get better.
I wabt to be better.

I feel like I have no friends.
Why is it that the more someone doesn't want to be around me or my friend is why I want to be around around then and be their friend?
I could list a whole list of ppl..i really would but I would hate for someone to actually read it.
But these ppl aren't really interested in my friendship .
I'm a good listener.
I'm good at flattering ppl.
I'm good at making ppl feel important and wanted.
That's what I want in a friend.
Instead I force conversations.
Force ppl to notice me.
Force ppl to care about me.
But my mom nor my dad care about me.
And they are the ppl that are supposed to love And protect you the most in life.
So it must be me.
What's wrong with me?