Feels like garbage

The title is right.
I feel like garbage.
Emotionally I feel like garbage.
Can I just be honest with you for a minute?
I feel like a terrible person.
Feels like someone is pouring fire into my insides and it's just taking forever to burn out and go away.
It was a weird day.
Was supposed to be light and fun and exciting but it wabt anything like that.
It was filled with this weird vibe in the house.
It's me. 
Again.
Things I didn't do.
Things I said.
Will never stop haunting me.
Just garbage.

Rapid streams

Tonight I'm home alone.
Husband's at work.
Son is with the grandparents.
I have the whole house to myself.
The whole need to myself.
The TV to myself.
I should be excited and happy right?
This is 'my break time'
'My me time ' 'alone time'
All I feel is anxiety.
I'm just feeling alone and anxious right now.
I haven't slept in a house alone in 3 years.
This is strange.
Feels wrong.
My stomach is in knots.
I can't shake it.
I'm lying in fetal position right now.
That's all that's comforting for me.
Stupid anxiety.

SELF

Self
As in myself.
*sigh*
First thing to come to my mind
Followed by other not to nice words and thoughts.
Constantly doubting who self.
Constantly angry self.
Constantly sad self.
Constantly ugly self.
Constantly big mouth self.
Constantly scary self. 
Constantly barely there self.
All these constants are me.
The other side of me and sticks with me
Always wants to be with me.
But I just want to be free
I just want to be free.
If anyone's reading this, I know you're probably confused bc I'm a follower of Christ and yet I speak so lowly of myself.
More times than not i don't feel important
I don't feel smart
I don't feel like I'm here.
I don't feel here.
I'm not worthy.
But I love God.
I love him. 
I should love myself too.
But why is that so hard?
Can anyone please tell me?
Please I need an answer.
A paragraph
A sentence
A word.

Over the hill

Today was a much better day
I finally crossed over the anxiety hill.
Even though it was just a tiny bump
It's still something to celebrate over.
I was stronger than my anxiety today
I controlled it today.
I did good.
I don't feel it right now but I know the flat road isn't very long
So it's only a matter of days...maybe hours until I'm making my way up the hill, once again.

The "A" word

It is 7:41pm on a Thursday night. This time yesterday I was totally content and upbeat.
Who am I now?
Since last night I've felt so...not me.
I'm on edge
Choking back tears
I can't hardly take this feeling anymore.
I need someone
I need some help.
Thinking about tomorrow has me worked up and anxious.
Not knowing what it will be
Not having control
Feeling so vulnerable.
I almost can't breathe.
Being able to sit still and appear calm is difficult.
I can feel the fire inside of me
It's burning me.
My mind, revisits my past way to often, trying to convince me to use something sharp.
My heart, screaming, 'don't do it you're past that'
They are constantly fighting.
Why can't it all just stop
I just want silence.
I desperately want peace.
Why can't I have peace.
Rid me of this constant state of anxiousness.
Help me.
Please help me.