Comfortable

Style. Why can't I be comfortable with myself to have a Style? I have a "wishful thinking" board on pinterest where it's pretty much stuff I would wear if I looked like the girls wearing the clothes or if I had the money to buy clothes like that. I'm so self conscious. About my weight, my looks, my skin, my hair, my voice. Everything. I'm not secure about anything. I know I know, how pathetic to be a 25 (almost 26) year old and have so many self esteem issues. Truth is, I've sorta felt like I've lost myself and who I am. Idk how to get myself to do something or feel good about myself or to be happy. This doesn't have to do with my husband or son, this has to do with me. I'm not happy...not with me. I want to change so very badly. But mentally and physical I don't know how. I just want to be comfortable with myself again. Help me? Anyone out there?

Different shades of you.

You ever have those moments where you see a different side to someone that you respected and looked up to and things just change? I'm definitely having one of those moments. I feel guilty for having respected this person and for wanting to have a friendship our even be noticed. I feel guilty bc I don't exactly know the whole story, I'm just trying to know the story with what I have. I just can't seem to shake this feeling and figure out what I should do. You ever hear that saying "if someone shows you their true colors the first time, take it and run?" How true, right? But can I really be feeling this way if the person doesn't even know me? Or they have no idea that I am currently struggling with this battle, almost. I can't feel the level of respect dwindling to almost nothing. Nothing comes before my God. No one comes before my God. God is love not hate. I wish every one knew that!

Day 10: finally over

I win.

Day 9: soured gut

All day today I've had this wrenching sour guy feeling about the summer time and my in laws. Weird combination? Normally, yes. In my case, ugh, its all too normal. Let's revisit last summer with my husband's family visiters. Drama. Drama. Drama. That's pretty much it. And the annoying fact that my mother and father in law constantly asked me if they could take my child to the beach with them. And my response has always been no. Summer time is vast approaching and I'm dreading it bc I know the request to take my child away for the day is coming and I'll say no and there will be drama. My husbands sister plans to visit for the whole summer, ugh I'm not looking forward to that. At all. Truth be told I'm just so tired of living next door to the in laws. If I can be truthfully honest, I hate it. It's unnatural. My husband has to run everything by them, annoying. Tells them everything, annoying. Constantly having to go over there 1+ times a day, annoying. Don't think I'm being hateful, I'm just venting. I keep it bottled up most of the time and this is my space to say how I feel without a filter. So summer time, take your time. Seriously. I don't want to see you.

Day 8: For mama

Trying. Seems like I spend most of my day Trying..doing things for other people. Which is fine bc that's what I love. I love helping, giving, doing most anything to place a smile on a face. I'm 100% positive that I got that gift from my mom. I wouldn't want anything else. 

My mom revealed to me about what she's been doing in Haiti. (I was born in Haiti and moved here when I was 3) for about a year now my mom opened up a free company and a soup kitchen. I mean how awesome is that? Growing up I never saw my mom as a someone with such a big heart and a hunger to just help. I mean, we all had a tough time. Life was just hard. From what I had to grow up to understand, my moms past kept her from being truly happy, that and Denis. But as she would say God broke her chains and set her free. That's when I was introduced, not to my mom, but Ms. Choisila Dieudonne. 

Sometimes I feel under appreciated. I feel used by friends...Or ppl I thought were my friends. But this is just who I am and I don't want to change that bc someone turns down my gifts or doesn't call or text me, but I don't care anymore. Lol. I just don't. I'm going to continue on who I am....bc that's who I am.

Although you'll never read this, mama, I want to say thank you for inspiring me. Giving me tough love bc that's all you knew. Thank you for forgiving me for being selfish and not understanding all the pain and struggle you went through to protect you're kids from the danger that lived in our home. And thank you for letting me into your world and letting me get to know who you are. I love you, mama.

Day 7: be yourself..

Seems like my whole life my head has been preoccupied with what other ppl are doing, if I can be truthfully honest with you all for a moment. I know what I like to do, my hobbies and such...is that what defines you? I sometimes feel like I am not fully grounded in who I truly am and I so easily get wrapped up in someone else's talent and what they are doing. This has never posed an issue for me until I entered motherhood. It's like a world I never knew existed. I love it, don't get me wrong. Natural, crunchy, gentle, are only some of the labels we give ourselves so proudly. Looking at someone else being the super mom AND super wife is kind of depressing for me. I so badly want that. Want to be that. I've tried living by those standards, not only is it hard, I fail every time. Sigh. I'm not sure what really works for me yet. I just need to step back and take a deep breath, give myself credit for the things I do daily. appreciate myself.  

love myself. 

embrace the talents I have and the things I am and can do. 

and just be myself. 

Day 6: and it was

Today was so much better than yesterday. It's almost like yesterday never happened. Like it was some bad dream. I hope to not have another day like that any time soon. 

Well it's day 6 and still going strong. Lent started Wednesday. I decided to give up social media site, instagram, snapchat, pinterest. I go on them too much. And I spend to much of my day on Pinterest when I could be doing more productive things. Like laubdry, cleaning, house work, but mostly just being in tune and in touch with my son and husband. Give them my undivided attention. Get into the bible more. I'm a failure at that but I don't want to ever give up trying. Even if in 50 years old I still want to try. I hope by then I'll have things a little more down pat. But who knows, I mean we are all just human   And He knows that.

Here's to a better day. 

Here's to day 6.

Here's to always trying to be a better person, mom, and wife. 

Day 5: hardest to date

Today was a pretty difficult day for me. 

One of the hardest I've had in a while. My heart rate went from what seemed like 0-100 and back again twice, uncontrollable tears and if you know me you know I don't cry, rage, numbness, uncertainty- things I felt today. 

Misunderstanding...that's what they were. Misunderstandings that threaten my world and left me feeling helpless. Sadly I've felt this way before but it's been a while. God created us with these emotions. Wanting us to experience these raw emotions and to be truthfully honest, they suck and I hate them. From happiness to a type of hurt that aches your soul. Emotions are something I've just never been good at. As a child we were punished for showing anger, humiliation, envy, fear, embarrass...pretty much anything but happiness. Sometimes that if it's too much. So you can imagine how hard it is to be an adult and combat your emotions on a daily. Today was a challenge. But I'm glad it's over. 

There's always tomorrow. 

Tomorrows a new day. 

Tomorriws going to be a great day. 

Day 4: better days

Here comes better days. 

Secondly, I'm all messed up so royally.  

I stumbled my way here, but wait oh wait Grace has found me, shaken up my soul. Grace will follow wherever you will go. 

Listen to me now. Grace is calling for you just to say

Here come better day. Here come better days. Better days and a better place I know. 

 Robbie seay band: Better days 

-today was a better day. 

Day 3: settling in

So today I hadnt really though much about this whole thing..if anyone's actually reading this, first thank you,  you're probably wondering what am I talking about and why im counting days. Luckly, I know no ones reading this so I don't have to explain. I am free to ramble and put words out there into the universe so that I can sleep at night.aubr it's too soon to tell but I think I'm starting to settle into this idea. I'm 100% happy with the choices I've made thus far and don't have any plans to do otherwise. Unless I am approached first. Never has happened before, though. So I'm saying its unlikely going to happen. And do I'll continue on with my days till it does I guess. 

Day 2: expect to fail to succeed

I'm gonna keep this short tonight- not much in a writing mood. I broke. Only been a day and I failed. Not completely, so I guess  still in the running. Heard from m., but only bc I reached out first. Haven't heard from c. But honestly, I'm not really expecting to. I never have before so why would I now? Anyways that all. Keeping it short and light. 

Day 1: deciding not to care

So I've decided to kinda do a project, you can call it. My previous post, I wrote about deleting certain folks out of my life and not caring anymore. Well this is day one and it's going pretty good. When I say not caring I'm not talking about hating them or anything of that nature, I mean I'm not trying to be their friend. I'm not putting towards any effort bc I've never gotten any effort in return. Why willingly invite ppl into your life- or try- when they make it clear, very clear, that they don't want to be there? I realize we can't know anything about someone's life if we are the ones opening up and being vulnerable. Right? I don't know anything about c. or m. And I've only just realized this. 

I'm glad that I did realize this. I would hate to make a bigger fool out of myself than I already have. 

Let me abuse me

I've always been a very kind person. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid to disagree. Always giving to make ppl happy. Always trying to make ppl happy. And I've this week I realize that I'm taking advantage of my own kindness and mistaking it for weakness. I let myself get abused and used. Why do I think I have friends? Why can't I open my eyes and see that we aren't friends and you never thought we are. I've been trying to build a friendship with ppl that don't want me. Funny thing is? I feel like I knew that but I still wanted to put forth effort. I still wanted to try. Bc I thought that maybe you wanted to be friends with me as much as I wanted to be your friends. Today I realized I was wrong. Bribing someone to be friends is pathetic, I'm so ashamed to say this. I guess bribing has always been my go to without thinking. Why am I so afraid of rejection from "friends"..from me? I mean what's wrong with me that I feel like I have to buy a friend? 

I will say my best friends...well I can be myself around my two favorite boys. Yes my husband and my son. They love me..my heart. They never ask for anything of me. They give to me everyday. I'm thankful for that. For them. 

And to my other ppl..acquaintances, C. and M., I'm done. I can't keep giving and never getting anything in return. I mean a text a call a check up. I'm done. Deleting you from my life. Doesn't matter what I think of you now...I respect me. And I'm not going to let me abuse me any longer!

I'm back...?

It's been a long while since I've written. Seems like I do that an aweful lot, write for days then disappear for some time. I really have no legit excuse. I've always loved writing. I guess I just get tired of being so involved with my feelings. 

Tonight I'm feeling pretty out of place with my little one. All day really. The abrupt pause in nursing has me in a particular mood. It's saddens me. I didn't realize how much nursing meant to me as a mother. I'm sure my son doesn't feel any different since he's caused the pause but I feel almost empty inside. Im wondering how the night will go. I've threatened night weaning (to myself that is) but I knew deep down inside I wouldn't be able to do that. I don't want to. Even though is get soooo much more sleep and have nipples that aren't always tender from bites and pinches, it's all worth it to me. At 10 months old, this can't be the end. I don't want it to be. I'm not sure if I could handle such a change. 

I've never been good at closings....bye