Aged

So today my husband pointed out something so great. 

He said "maybe that's why you get along better with older ppl"

I already knew this, just seemed like no one believed me. 

I've always known I was old for my age..

An old soul if you will. 

I've had so many failed friendships in the past. 

Still to this day. 

I try. I give. I give. I give. I put myself out there and somehow I still seem to screw up and lose a friend. 

But I've never lost a friend that was older than me. 

All my failed friendships are with ppl my age. 

I seem to get along better with and keep longer friendships with ppl that are older than me. 

Idk why that is. 

Maybe it's so much more less drama, they understand, we can relate better. 

Honestly, most of my friends are older moms. 

I don't have anything in common with single girls my age. 

Thought I made new friends, but it looks like we really have nothing in common. :/

Not good enough

The person you love and "loves you most" isn't supposed to make you feel like you're not good enough. 

Ugh writing this post makes me very sad. 

I am very good at keeping a hold on my emotions and not say how I feel. 

But the get backed up. 

So many things I probably should say but don't find the point in saying them. 

I'm all wrong. 

Nothing I do is right. 

I'm wrong. 

You tell me to apologize, I do and you throw it on the ground and say it's not good enough. 

I don't deserve this. 

I don't deserve to make feel like crap. 

It's frustrating. 

I just wanted to get this out of my chest so I can at least try and sleep tonight. 

I'm just over this. 

Uh. 

Sassy pants

I'm tired and totally done trying. 

I have my days where I'm done, annoyed, tired, depressed, lonely. 

I really hate it when it's all those emotions in one day...at the same time. 

I know you're probably asking "how can you be lonely when you have ppl around" 

Or "how can you be depressed when you smile"

Honestly, I couldn't answer that for you. 

I frustrate myself. 

I swear I might be bipolar. 

I'd say my biggest downfall is that I give and try more than I should. 

Idk maybe it's not Christian of me to say that. 

I put myself out there and try to make friends. 

I expect the rejection and it's usually what I get. 

My fault?

Ok, I'll take the blame. 

But is it wrong that I want ppl to want to be my friend and talk to me?

Rather than me doing all the work?

I need confidence. 

This post is just all over the place. 

Lol  

Sorry. 

Who am I?

So today was a rough day. 

I relived my past. 

Maybe I wanted to. 

I was talking to my cousin and we got on the subject of church. 

Which got on the subject of Denis. 

Without even thinking I blurted out the question "do you know what happened between my mom and Denis and why they split?"

When he answered "no" I could not stop myself from pretty much spilling my guts. 

For a minute it just felt so good to tell someone. 

Not everything that I went through or witnessed but telling someone how much I was angry and how bad it left me hurting for years. 

I know it sounds bad but revealing these things to him for the first time (so he says) left me with the great satisfaction of his views of Denis changing. 

I feel guilty for that. 

That wasn't right of me nor was is Christian of me. 

I forgive him, I forgave him. 

But feeling like that has made me sort of doubt my "forgiveness". 

I mean, does the fact that I felt that way mean that I haven't forgiven him?

I don't hold on to anything. 

I haven't held on to anything. 

Am I contridicting myself?

Forgive and forget, that's impossible. 

I can't ever forget. 

Talking about it make my heart pound out of my chest and my hands drip with sweat. 

My knees turn to rubber, I can't breathe, my vision blurs and my eyes instantly make tears. 

My mouth, as dry as a desert. 

It's like someone replaying the same record over and over. 

Sounds is never forget. 

Screams, cries, whips, yells, bangings. 

Ugh. 

I wish I could forget.

A lot of people say that your past makes you who you are today. 

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I never experienced these things. 

Or if my life was different. 

Reliving these emotions make me question who I am today. 

Sometimes idk who I am or what I'm doing.  

I've allowed this to affect what relationships I have. 

My inability to keep friendships. 

Me, wanting to make and keep them, but me totally failing at it. 

The only relationships I know are real and mutual are that of my husband and my son. 

well, I guess I'm not doing so bad, huh?