No respect

Don't call me your family if you cannot respect me. 

Everyone is pissing me off. 

As much as I try to give you respect, you give me nothing!

If this ends, it'll be you're fault. 

And I bet she'd be just content about it. 

Ugh. 

What I crave

I was smacked in the face with a great big piece of reality that I, somehow, completely missed. 

My whole life, I missed it. 

Maybe I always knew just never could bring myself to accept the truth. 

Someone close to me brought it to my attention. 

I and constantly seeking a friendship that doesn't exist. 

As much as I was hurt to hear this, my heart knew it was the truth. 

I have friends that I don't trust, can they really be considered friends then?

I spent alllllll day today replaying our conversation in my head. 

You could look at me and tell my head was occupied with something. 

But I had a break through. 

My husband is my best friend. 

I do tell him everything. 

What I crave is something I've never had growing up that I really needed and wanted, a mom. 

Don't get me wrong, I have a mother. 

This last year is the most we've had, relationship wise. 

We never had a relationship. 

I always felt my mom did love me. 

I can say that bc I've heard it. 

"Don't call me mama" 

Funny, the things you remember. 

Anyways, 

It's hard to explain what I want in a mom. I feel like my time is up. 

I'm a grown woman now. 

It's very difficult for me to accept this bc now I am a mom and my needs and what I want is totally secondary. 

I mean I'm totally ok with that. 

I want it that way. 

The needs of my son will always be number 1.  

Now, how do I...get over this craving of a mom?

It's about time

I've been waiting for you to find this. 👍👏

Down feelings

You ever get that feeling where you are sad, upset, scared, embarrassed, nervous, and guilty all at the same but you have no idea why?

I feel like I betrayed myself. 

Like I did some uhhh to disrespect myself and I'm feeling guilty about it. 

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

My gut is screaming to me trying to tell me I messed up somehow. 

I shouldn't have tried to entertain. 

I think that's where I messed up maybe. 

I can just be me. 

And if you don't wanna be kind, I don't wanna try anymore. 

I am worth the effort and friendship. 

*puts head down in shame*

I am such an idiot. 

Ugh. 

Man oh man

Why am I still suffering from the after math of birth? 

Seems like the after math has been worse on me than the actual pregnancy and birth. 

I know that sounds crazy, but I don't think my body knows how to heal itself. 

With all the medicines I'm taking,  seems like I'm just getting worse. 

So I made a doctors appointment. 

Next Tuesday. 

Is it immature to say I feel like I'll be getting violated again?

Completely exposed and vulnerable. 

I know drs have seen it all.

Good and worse.

But still. 

I don't like being touched, I don't like being looked at...but I need the help  

I must be stupid

Bc I just can't understand how you can be friends with me and no even speak to me. 

Unless I speak to you first that is. 

I'm pathetic for wanting friendships I suppose. 

Even though I apparently suck at them, I still want to try and have them??

Can someone please just talk to me? 

Please. 

Not entertainment

If you think I'll sit there and entertain your games...

Think again. 

You don't even know me to treat me the way you are. 

Really though, what is it about me that makes ppl feel like they have to be that way? 

This is why I avoid ppl. 

This is why I walk with my head down. 

This is why I want to fade into the background so I'm not noticed.

I'd rather go unnoticed and live a peaceful life and have no drama than be noticed and have a ton of unnecessary drama. 

Comes with the territory

It's 2014 and ppl still feel like they need to point out the face that my skin color is different than theirs. 

I'm pretty aware of that. 

I have eyes I can see. 

Even though to me skin color doesn't matter, why does it make me feel less than when someone points it out?

I mean I know that we all have the same parts and are made the same but why can't everyone see it like that?

All my life I've gotten picked on bc of how I sounded and how I spoke and who I hung out with, things that don't matter. 

Insecurities caused me to be shy and hide who I truly am and be what society says I should me. 

Ugh it's exhausting. 

I hate myself for that. 

In a month we are going to wv for my husbands family reunion, and I'm terrified. 

I have been warned.  

They don't mean the things they'll say bc they don't know any better. 

?????

Grown ppl. 

Idk what it'll be like. 

Idk if I'll make it. 

Idk if I'll get upset and explode. 

Or maybe I'll just let them say those things about me.

My husband is white. 

My son is half white. 

I'm not. 

Dealing with the ignorance comes with the territory then..right?