Aged

So today my husband pointed out something so great. 

He said "maybe that's why you get along better with older ppl"

I already knew this, just seemed like no one believed me. 

I've always known I was old for my age..

An old soul if you will. 

I've had so many failed friendships in the past. 

Still to this day. 

I try. I give. I give. I give. I put myself out there and somehow I still seem to screw up and lose a friend. 

But I've never lost a friend that was older than me. 

All my failed friendships are with ppl my age. 

I seem to get along better with and keep longer friendships with ppl that are older than me. 

Idk why that is. 

Maybe it's so much more less drama, they understand, we can relate better. 

Honestly, most of my friends are older moms. 

I don't have anything in common with single girls my age. 

Thought I made new friends, but it looks like we really have nothing in common. :/

Not good enough

The person you love and "loves you most" isn't supposed to make you feel like you're not good enough. 

Ugh writing this post makes me very sad. 

I am very good at keeping a hold on my emotions and not say how I feel. 

But the get backed up. 

So many things I probably should say but don't find the point in saying them. 

I'm all wrong. 

Nothing I do is right. 

I'm wrong. 

You tell me to apologize, I do and you throw it on the ground and say it's not good enough. 

I don't deserve this. 

I don't deserve to make feel like crap. 

It's frustrating. 

I just wanted to get this out of my chest so I can at least try and sleep tonight. 

I'm just over this. 

Uh. 

Sassy pants

I'm tired and totally done trying. 

I have my days where I'm done, annoyed, tired, depressed, lonely. 

I really hate it when it's all those emotions in one day...at the same time. 

I know you're probably asking "how can you be lonely when you have ppl around" 

Or "how can you be depressed when you smile"

Honestly, I couldn't answer that for you. 

I frustrate myself. 

I swear I might be bipolar. 

I'd say my biggest downfall is that I give and try more than I should. 

Idk maybe it's not Christian of me to say that. 

I put myself out there and try to make friends. 

I expect the rejection and it's usually what I get. 

My fault?

Ok, I'll take the blame. 

But is it wrong that I want ppl to want to be my friend and talk to me?

Rather than me doing all the work?

I need confidence. 

This post is just all over the place. 

Lol  

Sorry. 

Who am I?

So today was a rough day. 

I relived my past. 

Maybe I wanted to. 

I was talking to my cousin and we got on the subject of church. 

Which got on the subject of Denis. 

Without even thinking I blurted out the question "do you know what happened between my mom and Denis and why they split?"

When he answered "no" I could not stop myself from pretty much spilling my guts. 

For a minute it just felt so good to tell someone. 

Not everything that I went through or witnessed but telling someone how much I was angry and how bad it left me hurting for years. 

I know it sounds bad but revealing these things to him for the first time (so he says) left me with the great satisfaction of his views of Denis changing. 

I feel guilty for that. 

That wasn't right of me nor was is Christian of me. 

I forgive him, I forgave him. 

But feeling like that has made me sort of doubt my "forgiveness". 

I mean, does the fact that I felt that way mean that I haven't forgiven him?

I don't hold on to anything. 

I haven't held on to anything. 

Am I contridicting myself?

Forgive and forget, that's impossible. 

I can't ever forget. 

Talking about it make my heart pound out of my chest and my hands drip with sweat. 

My knees turn to rubber, I can't breathe, my vision blurs and my eyes instantly make tears. 

My mouth, as dry as a desert. 

It's like someone replaying the same record over and over. 

Sounds is never forget. 

Screams, cries, whips, yells, bangings. 

Ugh. 

I wish I could forget.

A lot of people say that your past makes you who you are today. 

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I never experienced these things. 

Or if my life was different. 

Reliving these emotions make me question who I am today. 

Sometimes idk who I am or what I'm doing.  

I've allowed this to affect what relationships I have. 

My inability to keep friendships. 

Me, wanting to make and keep them, but me totally failing at it. 

The only relationships I know are real and mutual are that of my husband and my son. 

well, I guess I'm not doing so bad, huh?

Being the bigger person

Why is it me that always has to be the bigger person and look past your foolish ways?

Like forreal, I'm just mad.

Doesn't it only seem right for someone to tell the whole truth if they are gonna your name come out of their mouth?

Instead of picking and choosing what to say just so they can look better. 

I'm just over it. 

I am not a nasty person and I'm not rude

But man if you don't bring it out in me. 

I'm disappointed in myself for giving you that power. 

I'm reminded everyday that you are the way you are. 

And you will always be the way you are now. 

I wipe my hands of this situation and I'm just done. 

Now can you be a big girl and do the same?

Cut me open already.

I'm terrified of having this surgery. 

But I know it has to be done. 

I want this but I can't help but feel absolutely scared. 

Have faith.

Okay-

I'm trying. 

Just thinking about getting out under and then waking up if terrifying. 

I never knew I feared this untill I'm facing it. 

😳

I've never had a panic attack, but thinking about this makes my heart race and my armpits sweat. 

Lord help me. 

No respect

Don't call me your family if you cannot respect me. 

Everyone is pissing me off. 

As much as I try to give you respect, you give me nothing!

If this ends, it'll be you're fault. 

And I bet she'd be just content about it. 

Ugh. 

What I crave

I was smacked in the face with a great big piece of reality that I, somehow, completely missed. 

My whole life, I missed it. 

Maybe I always knew just never could bring myself to accept the truth. 

Someone close to me brought it to my attention. 

I and constantly seeking a friendship that doesn't exist. 

As much as I was hurt to hear this, my heart knew it was the truth. 

I have friends that I don't trust, can they really be considered friends then?

I spent alllllll day today replaying our conversation in my head. 

You could look at me and tell my head was occupied with something. 

But I had a break through. 

My husband is my best friend. 

I do tell him everything. 

What I crave is something I've never had growing up that I really needed and wanted, a mom. 

Don't get me wrong, I have a mother. 

This last year is the most we've had, relationship wise. 

We never had a relationship. 

I always felt my mom did love me. 

I can say that bc I've heard it. 

"Don't call me mama" 

Funny, the things you remember. 

Anyways, 

It's hard to explain what I want in a mom. I feel like my time is up. 

I'm a grown woman now. 

It's very difficult for me to accept this bc now I am a mom and my needs and what I want is totally secondary. 

I mean I'm totally ok with that. 

I want it that way. 

The needs of my son will always be number 1.  

Now, how do I...get over this craving of a mom?

It's about time

I've been waiting for you to find this. 👍👏

Down feelings

You ever get that feeling where you are sad, upset, scared, embarrassed, nervous, and guilty all at the same but you have no idea why?

I feel like I betrayed myself. 

Like I did some uhhh to disrespect myself and I'm feeling guilty about it. 

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

My gut is screaming to me trying to tell me I messed up somehow. 

I shouldn't have tried to entertain. 

I think that's where I messed up maybe. 

I can just be me. 

And if you don't wanna be kind, I don't wanna try anymore. 

I am worth the effort and friendship. 

*puts head down in shame*

I am such an idiot. 

Ugh. 

Man oh man

Why am I still suffering from the after math of birth? 

Seems like the after math has been worse on me than the actual pregnancy and birth. 

I know that sounds crazy, but I don't think my body knows how to heal itself. 

With all the medicines I'm taking,  seems like I'm just getting worse. 

So I made a doctors appointment. 

Next Tuesday. 

Is it immature to say I feel like I'll be getting violated again?

Completely exposed and vulnerable. 

I know drs have seen it all.

Good and worse.

But still. 

I don't like being touched, I don't like being looked at...but I need the help  

I must be stupid

Bc I just can't understand how you can be friends with me and no even speak to me. 

Unless I speak to you first that is. 

I'm pathetic for wanting friendships I suppose. 

Even though I apparently suck at them, I still want to try and have them??

Can someone please just talk to me? 

Please. 

Not entertainment

If you think I'll sit there and entertain your games...

Think again. 

You don't even know me to treat me the way you are. 

Really though, what is it about me that makes ppl feel like they have to be that way? 

This is why I avoid ppl. 

This is why I walk with my head down. 

This is why I want to fade into the background so I'm not noticed.

I'd rather go unnoticed and live a peaceful life and have no drama than be noticed and have a ton of unnecessary drama. 

Comes with the territory

It's 2014 and ppl still feel like they need to point out the face that my skin color is different than theirs. 

I'm pretty aware of that. 

I have eyes I can see. 

Even though to me skin color doesn't matter, why does it make me feel less than when someone points it out?

I mean I know that we all have the same parts and are made the same but why can't everyone see it like that?

All my life I've gotten picked on bc of how I sounded and how I spoke and who I hung out with, things that don't matter. 

Insecurities caused me to be shy and hide who I truly am and be what society says I should me. 

Ugh it's exhausting. 

I hate myself for that. 

In a month we are going to wv for my husbands family reunion, and I'm terrified. 

I have been warned.  

They don't mean the things they'll say bc they don't know any better. 

?????

Grown ppl. 

Idk what it'll be like. 

Idk if I'll make it. 

Idk if I'll get upset and explode. 

Or maybe I'll just let them say those things about me.

My husband is white. 

My son is half white. 

I'm not. 

Dealing with the ignorance comes with the territory then..right? 

 

Impressionable..me?

Maybe I am too impressionable. 

Probably one of my downfalls. 

Along with being passive-aggressive. 

Who am I?

Is it sad that an almost 25 year old isn't sure of what type of person she is?

Losing friendships.

Hi, my name is v and I am incapable of keeping any close friends. 

Ever since I can remember I have been horrible at keeping friends. 

It's hard enough to make friends, but keeping them too? 

I'm sure it all dates back to the divorce of my parents. 

It actually wasn't until my parents got divorced that I realized how damaged I really was. 

All of a sudden, I regain all these "lost" memories of my father leaving for months at a time only to be living with his gf. 

Memories of my father "walking" us. 

Yes I mean in how you would walk your dogs.

Showing up after months of no contact and making up for it by taking us for a walk. 

I know what you're thinking, "another girl with daddy issues" 

Mm, yeah I guess that's about right. 

For the most part anyways. 

Following each beating, my father would take off for a few days. 

Maybe guilt got to him for a few hours. 

But he'd make it back intime to get on the pulpit and preach Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. 

So what does this have to do with me not keeping any friends?

Well besides the fact of feeling abandoned by the man that's supposed to protect you, and dealing and seeing sicking abuse, having innocence taken, 

I got tired of feeling. 

Everything. 

Building a safety wall was keeping me alive. 

And the second I befriend someone and we get close and you get on the other side of my wall, 

That uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach starts. 

To avoid feeling abandoned, hurt, abused, Id drop you before you get a chance to hurt me. 

I mean why would I give you chance after chance after chance only for you to keep hurting me? 

What sense does that make?

.....

Losing a friend is hard. 

Keeping a friend seems impossible. 

I can't write

I literally have nothing to say. 

Socially awkward.

Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Why am I so awkward when it comes to making new friends. 

I make you feel weird. 

I make myself feel weird. 

24 years old and still afraid of rejection. 

I already don't have many friends as it is.  

We are all just in different places in our lives. 

Clubs, drinking, going out, talking on the phone, don't interest me. At all. 

How bad is it that I'd rather stay home and watch lifetime?

I'm more of a homebody anyways. 

I'm unhappy when I go out. 

Keeping someone entertained is a lot of work. 

Man I sound horrible. 

This is who I am. 

But when is the truth ever pretty?

Ugh. Ok. 

Want to know

When I look at my son I wonder what hes thinking. I see his eyes just moving side to side, you can tell his brain is just going a million miles per hour. I would love to know what hes thinking. If I could ask him any two questions theyd be.. 1) does your spit up taste as bad as it smells? 2) do you know that i love you?

Heartbeat

One of the things I love about babies is that they thrive and move and breathe and sleep to the beat of your heart. 

Laying my son on my chest,

He squirms around till he can find my heartbeat. 

And he lays his ear on it and begins go fall asleep. 

If that's not amazing...or even poetic, idk what is. 

Babies are smart. 

They can tell a genuine heartbeat. 

Rhythm. 

I swear that when he looks at me he's starring right into my souls. 

His new eyes. 

His piercing, deep brown eyes. 

His new found ability to make eye contact.

I just really love this kid. 

My heart beats for him. 

This was completly random, I know. 

But I don't care. 

Stolen innocence

Is there anyone in today's world, today's society, that haven't gotten there innocence stolen from them?

Mine was taken from me years ago. 

It started at age 3. 

Stripped of everything. 

Things a child should see, hear, feel, experience, I been there.

 On more than one level. 

More than one type of innocence. 

I've never said anything bc I never thought anyone cared to listen. 

Do you care? 

Can you let me know?

Thank you for letting me know you aren't blind..

I was at publix with my son and a lady says to me "oh my, he is just too cute. And such beautiful olive skin. Oh it's almost the same color as mine..is...is his father...lighter...*whispers* "white?" 

I look at her and say yes, yes my husband is white. 

That has stuck with me. 

I wanted to say why does it matter anyways?

Maybe I took it the wrong way. 

Maybe I'm taking it the right way. 

Idk. 

What should it matter thst my son is a few shades lighter than me? 

He has my blood running through his veins. 

He's a piece of me. 

He's my heart. 

I don't see color when I look at my husband, I see love.

My hero. 

My bestfriend. 

My everything. 

It doesn't cross my mind that we aren't the same race until someone points it out. 

When I look at my son I don't see color, 

I see a miricale. 

I see love. 

Perfection. 

Gods hand. 

An angel. 

My heart. 

Innocence. 

Purity. 

I'm sure that lady didn't mean any harm and I'm not upset, 

But it saddens me that she felt the need to ask that question. 

Rude. 

If you like to talk, I'll let you talk.

All my life I've sort of learned to hold my tongue. 

Almost has become a part of me. 

I don't really talk much, I listen. 

My weakness. 

Whoever listens to me?

Who holds their tongue for me? 

It makes me sick that I'd rather let ppl talk than say something. 

It makes me sick that I'm even writing this. 

But relieved no one actually reads my blogs. 

May 18

Haitian flag day! 

I love where I come from. 

My struggle. 

Where I've been. 

What it means to be Haitian. 

The culture. 

The food. 

My people. 

My blood. 

Ayiti, cheri'm na 💙❤️💙❤️

Be kind.

Fire of a thousand suns

One sentence. 

"I love you with the fire of a thousand suns." 

And do you even know what that means. 

Broken beyond repair

I'm not supposed to be broken anymore. 

Can a person really be fixed?

I know it's a mental decision or whatever. 

What if your head and heart and emotions are still fighting each other. 

Head fights with heart. 

Heart fights with emotions. 

Emotions fight with head and heart.

Now, some days are good. 

Some days are bad. 

I have come a long way though. 

"I'm not like a car that can easily be fixed, I'm never gonna run right"

Struggle started April 16

We got home with our bundle April 13, 2014. 

He was born April 8, 2014. 

My contractions started early Saturday morning. 

Sunday my husband and I enjoyed our day at the flea market and I was fine. 

Early Monday morning my contractions got stronger. 

(First time pregnancy, I was clueless and wasn't sure what to expect with contractions)

Uncomfortable, painful (still bare able).

Monday afternoon I had an appointment and was told I'm only 1cm dilated and I wasn't feeling contractions I was feeling baby movements.  -_-

So we went home. 

Contractions continued to get worse. 

About 2am I call the midwife on call and she tells me if I come I I'll be sent home. 

I take a shower and drink honey water. 

Do laps around my kitchen. 

Crying. Praying. Singing. 

9am, I go walk a mile with my husband. 

11am my father in law suggests I go get checked out. 

When we get to the hospital I am 8 cm dilated and getting admitted. 

Baby is coming today. 

Natural birth. 

Cord around his neck 2 twice. 

Low sugar. 

Heart murmur. 

But the first time I saw him, 

I didn't see any of that. 

He was absolutely beautiful and perfect. 

My placenta was aged, had too much calcium and busted. 

Lost a lot of blood. 

I got an episiotomy. Ouch. 

While I was getting stiched up, they had to revive my little boy. 

They lost him for a little bit. 

Things no one told me till a day or two later. 

I was the last person to hold him. 

I tried to put him to breast and he latched!

His jitteriness and jerking alarmed the dr and they sent him to the nicu. 

He wasn't able to regulate his sugar and neither were they. 

They put him on forluma. 

A bottle. 

He was going through the fighting of an infection unknown. 

Hooked up to iv's. 

For 5 days.

On day 3, I was allowed to do skin to skin after his rounds of antibiotics and things started to turn around. ^_^

I pumped and sent the little milk I had to him in the nursery. 

Made things great. 

He really pulled through. 

After getting home, breastfeeding was the new struggle. 

April 16, 2014, seeking help. 

Seeing a consultant, research, days and nights of frustration, tears, and so much pain, we stuck through it. 

The struggle is real. 

But after 4 hard weeks and having eliminated the formula, the bottle, the shield, we are on an awesome roll. 

The struggle is so worth it. 

Still have some kinks we have to work through, just gonna take time. 

But I'm not giving up. 

Write.

Writing has been my saving grace. 

Idk what I would do if I wasn't able to write. 

I know what most ppl think, "you're 24 years old and you can't even carry on a verbal conversation and you write, how childish"

Well guess what, that's pretty true. 

Minus the childish part.

If you really knew me you'd know that I'm 24 years old, but I have an old soul. 

I've been through and seen more things than you could imagine, 

And I'm still here. 

I'm old for my age. 

But, talking just isn't my strong suit. 

I, myself, am awkward. 

I make ppl awkward. 

I make the conversations awkward. 

I stumble on my words. 

I, somehow, turn my words into hybrids. 

It's usually a recepie for disaster. 

So to save myself from horrible embarrassment, I'd rather write. 

I'd rather text you, email you, even send you snail mail than dial a phone number. 

Maybe  that is childish. 

With writing I feel like I can fully express myself and what I want to say, 

Uninterrupted. 

When I write, I can avoid facial rejection. 

Meaning, how someone reacts to what you say with their face. ie; eyes, eyebrows, forehead lines. 

When I write I know it's out there in the open and I can't retract it. 

When I write, I can get my words in line and arrange them how I want. 

The order of words make different meanings. 

When I write...I feel heard.

Important. 

Loved. 

Is that crazy?

Am I crazy?

Does this even make sense? 

Taking a break

I feel like a failure bc I have decided to take a break. 

After not being able to even stand the pain any longer, I'm taking a time out. 

But just for 24 hours. 

I feel as though we have tried everything. 

Nothing seems to make things better for us. 

Seems like things just keep getting worse. 

I'm so overwhelmed. 

This is so overwhelming. 

When you cried, 

I cried. 

Makes everything so hard. 

I want to so badly give up and take some time for myself. 

I need to do better at that.

I wonder though if other ppl have the same issues I have. 

Do you struggle like I'm struggling?

Do you hurt like I hurt?

Can you just step forward and tell me you know how I feel and what I'm going through bc you, too, have or is going through the same thing I am. 

I guess this is like me quote unquote paying my dues. 

But I don't want to anymore. 

Why is this so hard? 

I feel so alone. 

I have a supporter and a cheerleader. 

So why can't I call you for help? 

----

im a donor

yup, thats right. i am a breastmilk donor. i havent "actually" gotten to donate to anyone yet. BUTTTT, i got a reply today. having being able to pump a little over 16oz a day ive been able to store some in our deep freezer. never know what the future holds and what could happen. so its best to have some liquid gold as back up. im just gad that im able to help a mama and her baby out. that makes me happy.

Bedtime feedings

More like a bed time smacking. 

That's what this was 

And we'll be back at it in an hour and a half. 

Yayy

But it went okay. 

Still a lot if soreness. 

Still not a perfect latch or even a good one. 

We still got lots of work to do. 

But I'm not gonna give up. 

I want this too much to give up. 

It's harder when you don't have to many supporters. 

I have ppl in my ear just saying "just pump and do the bottle" or

"Just give up" 

My mom breastfed my oldest brother and myself, in Haiti they didn't have any other option but to nurse, so I tried to bring it up and ask her for advice and help but she casually dodges the requests. She doesn't want to talk about it. I need help. But then again my mom isn't an emotional personal personality...

Luckily I have ms Courtney to bug. >.< 

I've seen progress from this morning alone. 

Definitely from yesterday!

Here's to hoping it keeps getting better! 

Pray for us?

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding. 

What a struggle. 

It's been 3 weeks and it's been so difficult!

My son is 4 weeks old but for his first week of life, he was bottle fed with formula courtesy of the hospital. 

I also had to wear a nipple shield bc where I was so engorged, my nipples sunk in. 

I didn't have inverted nipples, though. 

The week I got home I started seeing a lactation consultant. 

She's awesome and extremely patient with us.

It's been about 3 weeks now and we've cut out formula, bottles, and a nipple shield. 

As I'm writing this out, I am seeing how many mildstones we have over come in those three weeks. 

While going through it, it's been difficult to actually see what we've overcome and how much progress we have made. 

But I'm still not happy. 

It's still difficult. 

We still have bad days. 

We still cry. 

But I'm determined to push through this.

 

No time. No care.

I can't take care of myself. 

There's literally not even time in the day. 

Well

You can't hide who you truly are. 

At least not for long. 

My nights became my days

I never realized how much I needed sleep. 

How much I really needed sleep. 

My body aches for it. 

I can feel my head throbbing from lack of it. 

My legs, unable to support me any more. 

How am I a functioning human being right now. 

Ago I'm which I'm responsible for another human being..

The most needy kind of all, 

My newborn. 

"Sleep when baby sleeps" is kinda impossible.

When baby sleeps I'm wide awake. 

Hence it's 6:03am and baby is asleep but I am not. 

 I've been awake since 4am. 

What id do for a good 8 hours off deep uninterrupted sleep. 

Give me a good sleep session.