That exact moment.

You know thatt exact moment when ur fiance tell u the bad things his parents say about u but then reassures u that they still like u....is just awkward.
Great.

Sigh.

Not much to say these days

Stupid boys. >:|

Insanity.

Doing the sane thing over and over and yet, expecting different results.
Why waste our time and go through this yet again.
I hate it. It makes me not even like u when we talk about this. U don't understand. At all. Its crazy. Its insane.

Four letters.

Wait.
Now we wait.
I couldnt open the email.
I'm nervous.
I'm a total creep.

Asking for help.

Hello..I'm sorry if I creep u out.
But I know we have never met and u probably have never noticed me, but will u please help me? me

8:35 pm

Today was a good day.
Real good day.

Die young.

I hear ur heart beat to the beat of the drums.
Oh what a shame u came here with someone.
So while ur here in my arms,
Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young.

At least try to bounce back.

I've come to the possible realization that I might be sick.
Sick as in bipolar.
With my mind pacing like the wind.
And my emotions rushing like the waves of a violent sea.
Uh, yah, I think I'm bipolar.
The blankets of sadness, and nervousness, and weakness cover me..
But not a second or two later,
Rationalizations and a sort of disfunctional comfort towers over me.
A strong being.
Not disfunctuional...
Uncomfortable comfort.
Doesn't make any sense, right?
I know I don't understand it either.
I've searched for this sort of help I'm looking for.
I feel limited to the sources I've been giving.
Pay a stranger and a professional to listen and help me;
Go to a co worker and open my heart and replay the life I've lived to them..for visual affects; or....
I don't know.

Crystal clear

Clear my mind and open my heart.
Clear my mind and open my heart.
Clear my mind and open my heart.

Ok. So I said it three times. I think it worked. Oh wait I wasn't standing in a mirror in the dark.
I sure did just compare this to bloody Mary.
Ill clear my mind and open my heart and wish that I had support from my parents.
This is by far the worst blog I've ever written.
Man I'm so glad no one reads this.

Reality

Just when u think someones ur friend..
"I'm sorry because u took what i was saying the wrong way."

Wow.

Keep ur apology.
I don't have room for it.

Enemy.

The thought of food or anything that I must consume, makes my skin crawl.
This isn't what I wanted.
This isn't what I want.
But I'm controlling this.
Something I can control.

Is it real?

All night and morning,
I slowly felt my fears creep back up again.
But I thought this was what I wanted.
What my heart wanted.
It shouldn't be this hard.
It should be so difficult.
I'm torn.
God, I'm just weak..
I need a sign.
Please send me a sign.
Something dead in my face.
Please lord, I really need u right now.

Stratteling the fence line..

Honestly what do I do
How do I really go with my heart?
How do I give my heart the mic and let it say its peace?
My heart is stupid.
My heart doesn't know what I want or what it wants. So how can I let my heart make such a huge life decision? How can I leave my faith in my heart... My selfish, foolish, stupid, young heart...can I trust you? God I know I can trust you. You are my heart...help me. Please. I know I'm stupid, I'm asking you for your help. I'm asking you to please show me things and reveal things that I'm too blind to see. Please God. You've never failed me before.. kn

This is mine.

This is by saving grace. Thank u Lord.

Ahh, i can breathe..

Its been so long since I have gotten to write on this blog. Oh how I've missed u. Its hard to keep internet in this house of mine. But I kinda sorta upgraded my phone and got unlimited internet..which is cool. Right? So now, no matter where I go, if I feel the itch to write, by golly, I'm gonna write.