I want you to die.
Lol.

It done.

oh man, oh man.
you really did it this time.
can you see the fire in my eyes?
can you see the rage in me?
imma tie you to the bed and set the house on fire.
what? you think im crazy?
haha, well guess what?
i am.
i can be a douche just like you can.
i can be a bigger douche.
but you know what?
you dont even deserve that.
you dont deserve anything.
none of my time.
nothing.
HAHA.
i wish you could see whats playng in my head.
it would make you scared man.
i hate you.
i wanna see you suffer.
you know what?
i cant even be mad right now.
i just have to laugh.
bc its funny, your face.
lol.
its funny.

i push people away.
thats what i do.
dont be offended when you're next.
its a part of my life.

bang.

bang.

bang.

problems fixed.
im happy now.

rip my hair out.

you honestly fusturate me sooo much.
i want to scream.
i want to rip my hair out!!!
its getting to the point where im starting to hate you.
and i know you dont see that.
but its bc you done "have the time, sorry" to even speak to me.
you choose him over me.
you choose weed over me.
you choose the bottle over me.
well, he can have you.
the weed, it can have you.
the bottle, man it can have you.
im past wanting you to suffer with me.
im past all that.
im past wanting you to feel the was i feel and hurt like i hurt.
im done with you.
when i say im done, i mean im done.
i dont want any part in your life.
i dont want you in my life.
i dont want anything to do with you.
im not gonna be there.
when tragedy hit, i wont be there.
im done.
like finished.
you mean nothing to me.
NOTHING.
you mean nothing to me.


and this is what i would say to you if i had the chance.

whats so wrong with me that everyone around me is leaving me?

it um..it wasnt just a bump in the road.
it was a wall...thats never coming down again.

i keep making the same mistake over and over again.
its like an addiction for me.
im trying to beat it.
i dont even enjoy it as much anymore.
today was the first time in...weeks.
i know that doesnt make a difference really.
bc today, i caved.
ahhhh.
i suck.
maybe if i say it out loud, i can stop?
dont judge me.
im not worried about that, i know you never will.
theres no way im close to perfect. or could ever be.

im. depressed.

nah, i dont feel like seeing you tomorrow.
simple as that.

this really wasnt my fault this time.
or at least i would have never done it if i knew this would be the outcome.
no decision i make is a right decision.
i take a step to the left and its wrong.
so i move to the right and its still wrong.
i dont know what to do anymore.
is laying till i rott an option?
thats one thing im good at, nothing.
why everything has to be so hard,
i dont think im fortunate enough to know the answer to that.
i dont even want another door to open up,
i think my face is bruised enough from all the slams in the face.
thanks, but no thanks.

so today i woke up feeling a little better.
the sick and twisted
and deep gut feeling
was gone.
i didnt feel heavy.
the sun was out, i could feel it on my skin.
it was nice.

after 7 years,

who would have thought.
feels being brought back up.
man, they were deep too.
i dont want to fool myself.
i dont want confusion.

i cant open another door when my first one hasnt even closed yet.
thats how i got where im at now.
i dont wanna go through that again.
i cant.

my weakness

is holding back.
gahh.

unforgiving words.

dude, sometimes i wanna scream.
at you.
and i dont want you to speak.
i want you to take it.
breathe it in.
just let it soak in.
think about what i say,
i want you to be the one to want me to hurt like you hurt.
i want you to be the one to tell me i said some unforgiving words.
walk a mile in my shoes.
lay your head on my pillow.
breathe my air.
feel with my finger tips.
feel my pain.
hurt like me.
hurt more then me.
HURT MORE THEN ME.
but, even then, nothing changes.
everything remains the same.
you'll never know what i feel.
you'll never hurt like me.
i couldnt have that for you.
i wouldnt want that for you.
you mean too much for a life like mine.
dude, ill keep your unforgiving words and i wont scream.

i cant help but be selfish.
tell me im wrong.
show me you care.

when the beat drops.
so does my heart.
to pieces.
man, i gotta get out of here.

so i found this song. story of my life. i listen to this everyday for the fast few days. over and over and over again. on repeat.




-Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tounge tryna talk like this
'Till I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

i cant say this is more then i can handle,
because i know that things could be a lot worse.
-you think you know?
you think you really know what im going through?
let me share something with you.
call it a secret if you will.
you dont know me.
you dont know anything about me.
walk in my shoes.
trade places with me.
for a second.
a minute.
a day.
you wont last.
theres more in me then you ever thought possible.
look inside of me.
i dare you to 'find the time' to know me.
but you cant.
broken promises.
lies.
the damage is done.
im ready to give up on you.
on all of you.
i want to scream!
i want to be loud!
I WANT YOU TO KNOW!
why dont you know?
its not that you are incapable,
i know your not STUPID.
you can do it.
you just choose not to because its easier for you.
your life runs smoother that way.
make someone else feel low.
'choose your next victum?'
HAHA.
i just gotta laugh.
call me crazy.
im already there.

what good is the world changing if my hurt stays the same?
i want you to know what i feel.
how i feel inside.
how i handle things.
i want you to feel it.
i want you to hurt like me.
i want you to know.
is that me being selfish?
i pray that you recieve an awaking.
i pray your eyes are opened.
i pray that you feel what i feel right now.