Goodbye .

is it bad that i hate you even in my dreams ?
last night i read in the bible that i shouldnt wish bad upon my enemies .
i realize thats what i have been doing this whole time .
they say when you get bitten by a poisionous snake you have to suck out all the poison .
well , now i have to suck out all the poision in my life .
starting with you .
i want to start this year off right .
i dont want to feed of my hate for you .
why is forgiving and forgetting so hard to do ?
this will probably be the hardest thing for me to do .
but i know i need to do it .
i always thought that i never needed you in my life , but i always wanted you there . i dont want you anymore . i dont want you in my life anymore .
i wanna be done .
like forreal .
i want this to be my goodbye .
i dont want a reply .
3 words cant change my mind .
i wont let them .
i want to be done .
forget a new years resolution .
this is what im gonna do , not try to do .
this is it .
im done with you .
goodbye .

writters block .

i am a robot .
all my emotions are gone .

i can bee the pain on your face.
its old with you.
i can see it so clear because its the same look on my face.
it hurts me so much because i know..i know that im causing it.
this is my fault.
but i dont know how to fix it.
i dont know how to change it.

i can bee the pain on your face.
its old with you.
i can see it so clear because its the same look on my face.
it hurts me so much because i know..i know that im causing it.
this is my fault.
but i

the closer.

lets not play this game. what is lost is lost. and i never want it to be found again. ive come to an agreement with life. lets move forward; no looking back. you can have it all, bc i dont have room for it anymore. i cant waste time waiting. its done. its done. im done.

i couldnt ask for a more perfect gift.
closer.

okay, some people just need to grow up.
stop making a big deal out of everything.
and if you got something to say, dont beat around the bush.
i mean, no one likes a lametard.

i can see it in my moms eyes.
shes worried.
she sees it.

she knows.

as much as it hurts me, i cand find a way to fix it.
i dont know how.

I want you to die.
Lol.

It done.

oh man, oh man.
you really did it this time.
can you see the fire in my eyes?
can you see the rage in me?
imma tie you to the bed and set the house on fire.
what? you think im crazy?
haha, well guess what?
i am.
i can be a douche just like you can.
i can be a bigger douche.
but you know what?
you dont even deserve that.
you dont deserve anything.
none of my time.
nothing.
HAHA.
i wish you could see whats playng in my head.
it would make you scared man.
i hate you.
i wanna see you suffer.
you know what?
i cant even be mad right now.
i just have to laugh.
bc its funny, your face.
lol.
its funny.

i push people away.
thats what i do.
dont be offended when you're next.
its a part of my life.

bang.

bang.

bang.

problems fixed.
im happy now.

rip my hair out.

you honestly fusturate me sooo much.
i want to scream.
i want to rip my hair out!!!
its getting to the point where im starting to hate you.
and i know you dont see that.
but its bc you done "have the time, sorry" to even speak to me.
you choose him over me.
you choose weed over me.
you choose the bottle over me.
well, he can have you.
the weed, it can have you.
the bottle, man it can have you.
im past wanting you to suffer with me.
im past all that.
im past wanting you to feel the was i feel and hurt like i hurt.
im done with you.
when i say im done, i mean im done.
i dont want any part in your life.
i dont want you in my life.
i dont want anything to do with you.
im not gonna be there.
when tragedy hit, i wont be there.
im done.
like finished.
you mean nothing to me.
NOTHING.
you mean nothing to me.


and this is what i would say to you if i had the chance.

whats so wrong with me that everyone around me is leaving me?

it um..it wasnt just a bump in the road.
it was a wall...thats never coming down again.

i keep making the same mistake over and over again.
its like an addiction for me.
im trying to beat it.
i dont even enjoy it as much anymore.
today was the first time in...weeks.
i know that doesnt make a difference really.
bc today, i caved.
ahhhh.
i suck.
maybe if i say it out loud, i can stop?
dont judge me.
im not worried about that, i know you never will.
theres no way im close to perfect. or could ever be.

im. depressed.

nah, i dont feel like seeing you tomorrow.
simple as that.

this really wasnt my fault this time.
or at least i would have never done it if i knew this would be the outcome.
no decision i make is a right decision.
i take a step to the left and its wrong.
so i move to the right and its still wrong.
i dont know what to do anymore.
is laying till i rott an option?
thats one thing im good at, nothing.
why everything has to be so hard,
i dont think im fortunate enough to know the answer to that.
i dont even want another door to open up,
i think my face is bruised enough from all the slams in the face.
thanks, but no thanks.

so today i woke up feeling a little better.
the sick and twisted
and deep gut feeling
was gone.
i didnt feel heavy.
the sun was out, i could feel it on my skin.
it was nice.

after 7 years,

who would have thought.
feels being brought back up.
man, they were deep too.
i dont want to fool myself.
i dont want confusion.

i cant open another door when my first one hasnt even closed yet.
thats how i got where im at now.
i dont wanna go through that again.
i cant.

my weakness

is holding back.
gahh.

unforgiving words.

dude, sometimes i wanna scream.
at you.
and i dont want you to speak.
i want you to take it.
breathe it in.
just let it soak in.
think about what i say,
i want you to be the one to want me to hurt like you hurt.
i want you to be the one to tell me i said some unforgiving words.
walk a mile in my shoes.
lay your head on my pillow.
breathe my air.
feel with my finger tips.
feel my pain.
hurt like me.
hurt more then me.
HURT MORE THEN ME.
but, even then, nothing changes.
everything remains the same.
you'll never know what i feel.
you'll never hurt like me.
i couldnt have that for you.
i wouldnt want that for you.
you mean too much for a life like mine.
dude, ill keep your unforgiving words and i wont scream.

i cant help but be selfish.
tell me im wrong.
show me you care.

when the beat drops.
so does my heart.
to pieces.
man, i gotta get out of here.

so i found this song. story of my life. i listen to this everyday for the fast few days. over and over and over again. on repeat.




-Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tounge tryna talk like this
'Till I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

i cant say this is more then i can handle,
because i know that things could be a lot worse.
-you think you know?
you think you really know what im going through?
let me share something with you.
call it a secret if you will.
you dont know me.
you dont know anything about me.
walk in my shoes.
trade places with me.
for a second.
a minute.
a day.
you wont last.
theres more in me then you ever thought possible.
look inside of me.
i dare you to 'find the time' to know me.
but you cant.
broken promises.
lies.
the damage is done.
im ready to give up on you.
on all of you.
i want to scream!
i want to be loud!
I WANT YOU TO KNOW!
why dont you know?
its not that you are incapable,
i know your not STUPID.
you can do it.
you just choose not to because its easier for you.
your life runs smoother that way.
make someone else feel low.
'choose your next victum?'
HAHA.
i just gotta laugh.
call me crazy.
im already there.

what good is the world changing if my hurt stays the same?
i want you to know what i feel.
how i feel inside.
how i handle things.
i want you to feel it.
i want you to hurt like me.
i want you to know.
is that me being selfish?
i pray that you recieve an awaking.
i pray your eyes are opened.
i pray that you feel what i feel right now.

reality.

...i dont want to be alive anymore.
drink or smoke till i die.
all i wanna know is will anyone notice.
i cant cry outloud.
this is my cry.

no ones here to hear it.
i do what i do bc i know on ones watching.

Play myself for the fool.

You know when somethings over when youre trying to convince yourself that it'll change.
You know when somehing is over when you don't have the energy to think about wanting to try again.
You know when somethings over when you start thinking the way I am now.

One bad feeling

Can change everything. Its so crazy how thats really all it takes. Everything can be fine and then you you just get that one bad feeling in your gut, and its all changed. It all sucks again. Its all down the drain..again. If some of you dont know what I mean or how it feels, let me explain it better to you...its like you fall into a pool and no one is around to save you but then you feel arms pulling you up to the top and you're gonna be okay..but just like that you get thrown back under. sucks huh? Or how about this, you get stabbed with a knif..you are just starting to heal but someone...smart, slices you open again with the same knif. In the same spot. Sucks huh? Maybe this is a little extreme. But I feel its necessary. Really. Its the most unpainful pain ive ever felt. Sometimes...well often I wish and wonder what my life would be like if that one moment never happened. this is all because of a stupid feeling. stupid. useless. worthless. regretful. sorry.

Eyes on fire

This is an amazing song. Lol. So thisw morning I woke up and didnt want to get out of bed. ughh. another one of those days, I know thats probably what you're thinking. But no, today id=s actually different. Well, Im going to claim that it is. Everything that is going to take place today was ment to happen. It was already written. Hmmm. Already written.
Summer classes...booo, I cant wait till its over. I want to become and MMA fighter!! So bad!

Better then yesterday.

So far, today has been better then yesterday. I know you're probably like 'um, its only 11am and the day just started.' But its more then that. The feel that I got for today is good. I hope it plays out to be a good day. I havent felt excited about anything in a really long time. I got that feeling...and nothing is going on. working again this weekend. Making..or trying to make some money. :/
Yesterday, I had one of the best conversations in the whole world with a great friend!
So, so far, today's better then yesterday.

I know what I have to do..

but am I going to do it?
that would require of me to left go of the closet thing to me. Completely let it go and really just move away. I know that sounds a little dramatic but I feel thats what needs to be done...or Ill never be happy again. I dont remember what feeling happy is like. Its like Im...dead. But still walking. :/

Please, someone, bring me back to life!

A long time coming

But I know, change gonna come. Its been another day. Ugh, thats right, another day. I dont know why Im just like eff today. But I am. Ive been annoyed all day. With everyone. I just want to be alone and just go back to not caring. Things were easier that way.

The day after "the day"

I try to keep things original and try not to repeat anything in my life..especially if its something I'd rather not remember. But today is the day after "the day" it happened...again. You know how it sucks when you do something and you're like "okay! Im never gonna do that again. Honestly this was the last time. No more. No matter what." And then you end up doing it again? Yea, story of my life. Everytime I do it, I regret it and think "it was just this one time, I can control myself and it wont happen anymore." But, it does. Its selfish of me. Im a selfish person.

Today is the day after "the day."

Maybe even the last?

Viv.

Come to my rescue..

I honestly havent blogged or written in such a long time. I used to do it all the time, but life kinda got in the way. Words just cant express how many pieces my heart is in right now. I didnt even know it was possible to have so many pieces and still be here. Well, I wouldnt exactly consider myself here. I mean, Im here..I see things happening around me. I can put my hand on something and feel it...but I dont think Im here. Im kinda numb to whats going on around me. a quote that has stuck with me for a few weeks now is "..everyone keeps tellin me the world around me is changing. But what difference does it make if the world around me is changing if my hurt stays the same."

I am helpless, scared, lonely, unclean, tired, nervous, fed up, drained, hurt, briused, and broken.
Im broken.

Im not really one of those people who has a lot to say or everytime I open my mouth something great comes out. Actually, Im kind of the oposite. I dont always have much to say. Sometimes, somethings are best left unsaid.

Idk, Im still looking for that one thing to bring me back to life.