Please on repeat

Ever since I was a kid I would say my prayers and have my 'please' on repeat.
I feared spiders..(still do)
I would pray
"Good please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please...(and so on for about 5 minutes)..please don't let me get bit

Jump

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 11:11:36 PM jump my hearts about to jump out of my mouth daniel cant breathe banging on the bedroom door, you open it and i see fire and hate in your eyes my mom, on the bed, head dripping with blood. "stop!!! leave my mom alone. dont touch her!!! STOP!" couldnt find its way out of my mouth, hidding in the cornor of my jaw. i dont want you to hate me, i suck up to you. i fight my family... i am my fathers child. im...im just like you. you turn me away, why dont you love me? whats wrong with me? i cry myself to sleep, i cry when im alone, i cry without anyone knowing. ive developed much success in this. ive found comfort in a blade becoming bord i find comfort in fire. punishing myself because of who i am because you dont love me - im falling apart and there's nothing I want to do about it..

Back

I'm starting to get that feeling again.
Feels like blank.
That's exactly it, blank.

Day 3.

This is day 3 into 2017 and in already over it.
In over my job.
I've my anxiety.
Over my depression.
Over my family.
Over the friends I don't have. 
I'm just over it.
Has nothing to do with bad luck or the year or anything.
I'm just not feeling it today.
Feels like I'm stuck in a revolving door and I just keep going and going and going. 
But I never get anywhere.
There's just never an ending.
That's bad right?
Even though I'm laying in bed after a long day,
And I'm thinking about it Saturday when I have to go back to work. 
How pathetic is that?
How crazy?
Here is am knowing tomorrow isn't promised and yet I still worry about it.
While I'm at work working in worrying about working on Saturday.
What the heck.
When did I get like this.
Or have I always been like this and just thought it was normal and was how is supposed to be. 
I want to be fixed.
I want to get better.
I wabt to be better.

I feel like I have no friends.
Why is it that the more someone doesn't want to be around me or my friend is why I want to be around around then and be their friend?
I could list a whole list of ppl..i really would but I would hate for someone to actually read it.
But these ppl aren't really interested in my friendship .
I'm a good listener.
I'm good at flattering ppl.
I'm good at making ppl feel important and wanted.
That's what I want in a friend.
Instead I force conversations.
Force ppl to notice me.
Force ppl to care about me.
But my mom nor my dad care about me.
And they are the ppl that are supposed to love And protect you the most in life.
So it must be me.
What's wrong with me?

Feels like garbage

The title is right.
I feel like garbage.
Emotionally I feel like garbage.
Can I just be honest with you for a minute?
I feel like a terrible person.
Feels like someone is pouring fire into my insides and it's just taking forever to burn out and go away.
It was a weird day.
Was supposed to be light and fun and exciting but it wabt anything like that.
It was filled with this weird vibe in the house.
It's me. 
Again.
Things I didn't do.
Things I said.
Will never stop haunting me.
Just garbage.

Rapid streams

Tonight I'm home alone.
Husband's at work.
Son is with the grandparents.
I have the whole house to myself.
The whole need to myself.
The TV to myself.
I should be excited and happy right?
This is 'my break time'
'My me time ' 'alone time'
All I feel is anxiety.
I'm just feeling alone and anxious right now.
I haven't slept in a house alone in 3 years.
This is strange.
Feels wrong.
My stomach is in knots.
I can't shake it.
I'm lying in fetal position right now.
That's all that's comforting for me.
Stupid anxiety.

SELF

Self
As in myself.
*sigh*
First thing to come to my mind
Followed by other not to nice words and thoughts.
Constantly doubting who self.
Constantly angry self.
Constantly sad self.
Constantly ugly self.
Constantly big mouth self.
Constantly scary self. 
Constantly barely there self.
All these constants are me.
The other side of me and sticks with me
Always wants to be with me.
But I just want to be free
I just want to be free.
If anyone's reading this, I know you're probably confused bc I'm a follower of Christ and yet I speak so lowly of myself.
More times than not i don't feel important
I don't feel smart
I don't feel like I'm here.
I don't feel here.
I'm not worthy.
But I love God.
I love him. 
I should love myself too.
But why is that so hard?
Can anyone please tell me?
Please I need an answer.
A paragraph
A sentence
A word.